The Dream Sequence - Whether the pressures of the monarchy or a bad batch of snails, His Majesty experienced the most astounding dream of his lordly life the other day. He dreamed he was overseeing a small village in eastern Europe. A band of futuristic wanderers had made their way into the community which was in the throes of conflict with a new and very evil neighbor, the vampire Vlad Ardo. Our intrepid adventurers managed to decipher enough of the local lingo to determine that since the arrival of the notorious neck-nibbler the town had lost no less than four of it's fairest beauties and every male in the neighborhood was scrambling to tie down his daughters (and wives) from the wiles of this lethal lothario.

This was no ordinary collection of odd-speaking sight-seers. this was in fact none other than those world famous American adventurers, the Nekked twins, Buck and Stark. Todether with their faithful body guard Ernie McBride, their paramour the prim Penelope Primm, and that junk science genius doctor Timothy F. Geithner, PhD. Together thay have been traveling the world in search of justice that needs doing, wrongs that need righting, and evil that needs..... em............... to be fixed.

The team of Buck Nekked and Ernie McBride

The team of Penelope Primm and Timothy FGeithner, PhD

Stark Nekked and his intrepid band of terrified locals

At the outset, Buck and Ernie set out to scout the eastern edge of the village and possibly get the jump on the monster. No sooner had they progressed a hundred years from their conveyance, the Nekkedmobile, than they spotted a terrifying toothy grin rolling out of the mist. "Well shuckie-gee," exclaimed Buck, who nonetheless raised his rifle and fired. The bullet struck the vamp square between the eyes, and immediately placed him (it?) in critical condition. Vlad managed to recover enough to continue even though a second shot on the next turn laid him low yet again. Fortunately for the creature, his newly acquired brides arrived just in time to draw off the gunfire. Vlad immediately took the low road around several buildings and out of the action altogether. The Vladettes stormed into the village and almost immediately overwhelmed Ernie who succumbed to his wounds in short order. Buck attempted to withdraw to their conveyance, currently occupied only by Timothy F. Geithner, PhD who had immediately jumped into the front seat and locked the doors when the gunfire started. Buck managed to get within several yards of the prim Penelope Primm when he was overwealmed by vampettes and died in a hail of teeth.

The prim Penelope Primm, after a brief chorus of "You'll Never Walk Alone," tore into one or two of the brides in one of the most legendary cat fights in wargames history. Timothy F. Geithner, PhD remained content to cheer her on, however the dastardly Vlad Ardo had managed to steal his way up to the vehicle and use his considerable psychic powers to force the junk scientist out of the jitney. Never underestimate the resiliance of a life-long coward however, and the pusillanimous PhD dove out the other side of the truck and high-tailed it for the bridge and the safety of Stark and the constabulary.

The end of Buck and Ernie, the cat fight and the vamp tries to hypnotize the doc.

The doctor never made it across the bridge. Badly wounding a vampire early in a wargame leaves the monster without a sense of humor, and terrible things happened to the scientist before his passing. At the same time, two of the brides leaped the river and made short work of the constabulary, while Stark succumb to a barrage of slashing claws and flying dentures. When the dust had settled, the only one left standing was the prim Penelope Primm (don't it figure!), who straitened her frock, climbed into the truck and drove away.

This was a great little game using the Chaos In Carpathia rules again. A highly recommended rules system that has been very user friendly but with plenty of opportunity for the addition of the bells and whistles that color up the game. I apologize for the whole dream sequence thing, but I simply couldn't rationalize another way to incorporate a 30's era pulp adventure into a 18th century blog site. Will do better next time, I promise.

Battle of Dettingen Bridge - Following their narrow escape from a numerically superior Ardoberger force, our beleaguered troops withdrew to Dettingen bridge, some moles to the south. Their commander, his excellency the Duke of Palmatiere, reasoned that he might be able to deal with the Ardobergers on a more even footing if he could goad them into attacking him in prepared defences at the bridge. Unfortunately, Ardoberg-Holstein had other ideas...

The Ardobergers managed to harass our troops during the withdrawl, forcing the Duke to turn and form battle line on open ground just north of the bridge. As can be seen, the Ardobergers wasted no time in extending the right flank of their massive army, and the first turn of battle saw their right wing move to flank our troops.

At the same time, the Ardoberg elite heavy cavalry brigade began it's advance on the left, effectively pinning the St. Mauricians in place. Here, we seen Ardoberg's Grand Duck (sic) actually taking the field, although well to the rear and out of the fighting. One provides inspiration as one can I suppose. His counterpart, the Duke of Palmatiere, his next move ("do I stay behind these Scots horsemen or look for the quickest way out of here?") Nearest in the picture, Ardoberger horse and British foot have reached their positions and begin to move on the open left flank of the weakened St. Maurician line. In the distance, Ardoberger cavalry and their elite foot guards and grenadiers assault the hedgerow defences of the St. Maurician infantry and artillery. The Ardoberger Electoral Foot Guards have driven off the Arquebusieres de Bergerac in an effort to force passage through the hedgerow. The Ardobergers, with their British allies, advance gallantly on the undefended section of the hedgerow. The St. Mauricians simply have nothing left to throw at them. The final disposition of the armies at the end of the game. The pathetic Duke must now report to His Majesty that St. Maurice has lost yet another engagement with Ardoberg-Holstein, but has suffered the destruction of three of it's front line units; the Arquebusieres de Bergerac, the 1st. battalion Navarre regiment and "B" battery of the Royal Artillery Regiment. The only bright spot in this day of disasters was the performance of the Gendarmere de St. Maurice. Single-handedly, they destroyed an elite regiment of cuirassiers and drove off a second elite unit of royal dragoons.

All in all not a good showing on the part of the St. Mauricians. His Majesty needs to find a way to reverse this trend or we may all soon become just another germanic colony and forced to drink..., dare I say it,...beer (gad!!).

Dragoons de Moliere - The latest addition to His Majesty's army is the Moliere Dragoons. Here seen standing review for the lord marshal Neigh, the dragoons will shortly take their place in the battle line where they will be brigaded with the Isembourg regiment. This regiment was raised by a relative new-comer to the royal court of St. Maurice, Armand Viscount de Moliere. There is no evidence to support the claim that his lordship and the famous French playwright who's stage name was Moliere were in any way related. It is possible however that that incredibly talented comedian may certainly have anticipated this later namesake in at least two of his works; "Le Malade Imaginaire" ("The Imaginary Invalid") and "Tartuffe ou Le'Imposteur" ("Tartuffe or The Hypocrite"). Regardless, one would hope the troopers would do their master proud, even if he may never return the favor.

As can be seen the cavalrymen are helmeted per a later period. As I've mentioned earlier in this blog, St. Maurice, in panoply and style, probably has more in common with Gilbert and Sullivan than any true military force of any time period. When looking for a suitable horseman, I spotted this one among the Staddens and ... he just looked too good to leave out. Such is the attraction to Imagi-nations. The unit also has the distinction of being the second to last cavalry regiment scheduled for addition to the Army of St. Maurice (and with a little good time management and some luck, the last may be done before Summer.).

Here we see La Marne about to empty a number of Ardoberg cavalry mounts as the formerly grand and glorious Diefenbach regiment beats a hasty retreat. Well into the distance, we can observe Kilbasa Lancers trying to find their way back across the river. Swieta krowa!


Victory! His Majesty's forces delivered a spanking to a marginally superior army of the Grand Duck (sic) of Ardoberg-Holstein, near the town of Auber. Under the able leadership of petite general Bertrand Alouette, the small but fiesty command stood their ground against the invaider. Their green troop status notwithstanding, the first battalion La Marne laid low many an Ardoberger of the Diefenbach regiment, then wheeled in solid parade ground fashion and dealt similarly with the Holstein-Gotha Dragoons. When the smoke had cleared, the Ardobergers were nowhere to be seen and the men of La Marne were having a leisurely lunch of cheese and some fine german sausages "liberated" from the remains of former invaiders.
In a related story, The Kilbasa Lancers, who had moved to flank the Ardobergers, became lost once across the river. When questioned later it was learned that the command's chief guide had been reading the Michelin upside down. This little incident may help to explain just how a Polish cavalry unit ever made it to St. Maurice in the first place.

Dateline Cezanne - His Majesty's forces suffered serious losses earlier this week while on maneuvers near the town of Dettingen. The second battalion of La Marne regiment was forced, through an inconvenient geographic anomaly (a hill with cavalry on it), to take to the water of a nearby creek. The unorthodox retreat was a flagrant violation of His Majesty's military hygene laws forbidding the bathing of troops in any body of water which could potentially be used for watering the horses. This outrageous breach of etiquette has resulted in the caning of three junior sergeants and an ensign and the censuring of the regimental colonel, l'Hopital, at His Majesty's morning tea.
This reporter has been unable to procure the name or any additional information on the cavalry whose proximity seems to have stimulated the rout, however I have been assured that all reports the horsemen were in fact troops from Ardoberg-Holstein was not only mistaken but absurd in the extreme. When I followed up with a question as to why His Majesty's troops might be holding maneuvers well beyond the Ardoberg border, it was suggested that I might want to try investigating reports of fraud and financial chicanery in the English army. My ship leaves from Calais in two days.
Here we see the initial disposition of His Majesty's forces "on maneuver." 2nd battalion La Marne is in the foreground with 1st Navarre parallel with them across the creek and the Arquebusiers de Bergerac just further along. FitzAndrew's Horse can also be seen moving up the road with 1st Languedoc to their left.

Military observers from Ardoberg-Holstein form up to watch their perennial adversary carry out the drill.

The Ardoberger cavalry brigade advances to get a closer look at the goings-on. Perfectly understandable given the diminutive stature of their mounts. Hard to see much on those dogs.

The advance of the "observers" seems to be the provocation for the subsequent La Marne aqua festival. Pushy chaps those Ardobergers.

Gettin' a better look. The Grand Duck's (sic) forces trundle themselves around to watch this stellar exibition of the matrial art.

The might of St. Maurice, now sans La Marne, in their final disposition of the maneuver. Please ignore the slight traffic jam at the intersection. Artillerymen can be rather contentious when on the road, scrambling to get out of town.

Boys will be boys - In one of the funniest pranks anyone in this part of Europe has seen in quite a while, the Grand Duck (sic) of Ardoberg-Holstein has flummoxed our good and great king into believing the two nations were at war. The incessant braying and sabre-rattling was this time accompanied by sufficient troop movements along the border to produce consternation in the Winter court at Olivier. The 1st battalion Navarre and the Arquebusiers de Bergerac were immediately dispatched to investigate and discovered a paltry brigade of the rambunctious cabbage-eaters whooping it up with vast quantities of the local spirits, collecting filthy French postcards, playing five-card whist, and other forms of debauchery.
Our valiant men-at-arms escorted the boisterous, if otherwise comical, reprobates back to their own land, hoping to discover their mothers for a good and necessary scolding. "Ah, the joke was on me," exclaimed His Majesty. "for a moment, I really thought we were being invaided."










Here, in pictures from left to right and top to bottom, we see the hilarious mob of Ardobergers pretending to surround the town of Cezanne with His majesty's troops ensconced within. After several hours of artillery noise-making, the colonel of Navarre, Alain d' Anjou
rode out to complain about the noise at which point the tutonic commander, whose name escapes me, begged forgiveness and led his troops back to the border.
In a related story, Col. d'Anjou has formally requested that the raucous pranksters return his sword.

A Retraction Demanded - His Majesty de St. Maurice has, in the past, been willing to accept the frequent diatribes of that primer of modern literary journalism, The Ardoberg Inquirer. One reading of this incipient rag, with it's articles often written in crayon and paint-by-numbers illustrations, is usually enough to relegate such writings to the bottom of the bird cage as it was designed. The current edition, however, is more than even a benevolent soul such as His Majesty can sustain.
To suggest that a simple cooperative military exercise between two such staunch and lasting friends as the St. Maurician monarchy and the Ducky of Ardoberg and Holstein might in fact be a successful invasion attempt is simply outrageous. An inquiry into the history of such invasions in the past will show just how absurd this declaration might be. No previous military incursion into our happy little kingdom has succeeded past the first outbreak of French cuisine on German digestive tracts, at which point the Ardobergers make tracks for the first tutonic privy.

In an unrelated story; the sale of filthy French postcards in the province of Cezanne over the past week. Store owners are unable to explain the increase in demand.