Just What Does a Bear Do in the Woods? His lordship Sir Marlin Perkins, Esq. has been put right off his morning tea and scones by a virtual parade of complaining peasants. Seems there is a bear living in the woods on the north-eastern edge of the estate, and he is making a royal nuisance of himself. The lordly head aches with the litany of complaints ranging from the ridiculous to the sublime. Charges of destroyed crops and livestock were to be expected, but these peasants could get a little carried away. Claims of blood on the moon, strange Ardobergers wandering aimlessly in the woods and the unexpected pregnancy of the beekeeper's wife (unexpected only to him) were enough to keep him on weak tea and dry toast for a month.

"Drat," remarks his lordship, "looks as if I'll have to see to this miserable critter myself." And with that he sets off with his faithful gun-bearer Lacky and his intrepid guide Geraldo for a couple of days in the woods. "We will do manly things," he told his wife. "We will smoke and drink and slaughter brainless woodland creatures without mercy." Ah, it's good to be lord of the manor.

Here we see sir Marlin, flanked to the left by his gun-bearer Lacky

and to the left by the daring adventurer Geraldo.

On their first day, the band of intrepid adventurers sauntered into the woods and spent the greater portion of the day observing the local flora and fauna. "Lovely," commented his lordship. "I should make time to peruse the estate like this more often. It is, after all, what manly men do."

Here we see the bear currently doing whatever it is bears do in the woods, and oblivious to our little band.

Suddenly, the peace and tranquility was shattered by an ear-splitting roar. Our heroes spun to their left and were immediately confronted by the giant carnivore bearing (sorry for the pun but that's what he was doin'.) on them. Nonplussed, sir Marlin called," Lacky; my firearm if you please." The terrified servant immediately cocked the musket and handed it to his master, who promptly missed.

His lordship and friends communing with nature.

In true comic relief fashion Lacky turned and high-tailed it for home, shouting something about his feet not failing him now. The bear blew past lord Perkins close enough to dust his waistcoat, and made a beeline for the rapidly retreating servant. "Lacky, return here this instant!" His lordship was furious as he realised that Lacky still carried the only loaded firearm.

The otherwise faithful attendant never had a chance.

A further description of what the bear did to poor Lacky will be avoided here to spare the weak-livered in the audience. Suffice it to say that, his appetite for the lower classes now slaked, our ursine combatant turns his attention toward his lordship and the intrepid Geraldo. The guide, armed with a stout boar spear, advanced toward the critter in a valiant attempt to protect his employer (and his purse). The bear charges the be-moustached adventurer, who plants his spear and prepares for the worst.

Here we see Lord Marlin, Geraldo and his newly acquired rug.

When the dust had settled enough for his lordship to see again, he observed Geraldo standing with one foot on the bear's head and striking a heroic pose with what was left of his boar spear. "Geraldo, you've save me man," declared the grateful elite. "For that I owe you more than I can ever repay. Feel free to go through Lacky's things for any valuables and stray cash and sell this miserable critter's pelt. I will require only a third of all of it to help me defray the cost of cleaning the smell out of my lovely new hunting coat.

Gary and I played this little scenario last Saturday using Mammalian Mayhem rules. They were a rousing good time, and come highly recommended for little one off hunting games like this one.